The Shame Cycle: An Ouroboros

 

Hey guys! Welcome back to the third topic and I hope you’ve been doing great these past weeks. Schools started, it's been hectic. I arrived a day after school and I hadn’t made my monthly budget yet and on top of that, my first sophomoric assignment of the second semester dropped in my email. Now that the tires have finally touched asphalt, I’m glad to be back in my chair with my hands on the keyboard.

Before we get into this week’s topic, I’d like to thank you for taking your time to being here and the advice some of you have personally given me, it really helps in improving my craft. Now, let’s get right into it. The frustration Cycle: an Ouroboros.

What is an Ouroboros?

Like an Ouroboros, shame is like a snake eating its own tail.

I’m pretty sure you’ve come upon this symbol somewhere. Whether it’s in book, movie or tv show like the just ended Marvel Tv show, Loki, this symbol isn’t all that peculiar. But for those who haven’t come across it, an Ouroboros is a symbol depicting a snake, or less commonly a dragon, swallowing its own tail as an emblem of wholeness and infinity. This representation forms a loop where the snake enters an eternal cycle of destruction and recreation.

How does this symbol of a snake eating its own tail fit in with overcoming negative emotions? Well, the answer is simple. Like an Ouroboros, negative emotions and certain habits can keep you in a constant cycle of shame where you’re constantly trying to get rid of your negative emotions only to feed into the negativity even more. We use negativity to fight negativity and it eventually becomes a losing battle where we drift back to the beginning, then we do it again and the cycle repeats like An Ouroboros.

What is shame and where does it come from?

 

Your thoughts talk to you, and you believe them.

The simplest definition of shame can be the situation of blaming yourself for what you did or how you feel. Some people may associate shame with something that is extremely bad. For example, someone may feel shame for watching pornography, smoking or even cursing; however, shame can even be materialized from feelings such as anger, jealously, sadness, breaking a promise and even an over joyous reaction that made everything awkward.

Shame isn’t something that comes as an external force into our lives but rather, shame comes from within ourselves. Our own thoughts cause us to feel shame for what we did or the way we are feeling in that situation.

How does shame relate to negative emotions?

It hangs like a dark cloud, talking constantly.

In my previous post, I mentioned that in most cases, negative emotions can be associated with certain habits you take to buffer or to keep yourself from processing the negative emotions you are experiencing. Shame in your life, begins when you associate your identity with the thoughts caused by the negativity inside you.

Let’s try to illustrate this by having two scenarios. We’ll call the first scenario A and the other B. In scenario A is an individual who uses porn and masturbation to get rid of negative emotions and is struggling with it. In scenario B is a person who’s just broken out of a relationship, they’ve been dumped. Let’s put you in both of these scenarios.

In scenario A, something just happened and you feel the negativity coursing through your veins. You don’t like that feeling and you want to be happy but in that situation, the only thing you think can make you happy is if you watch porn. Out of all the thoughts running through your mind, is that one thought that says hey, watch porn and we’ll feel so much better. Your brain wants dopamine; however, after watching it, you get your high point of pleasure just to feel terrible about it. You begin to think you have a porn addiction and that there’s something wrong with you. The end result, you feel as if you lack self-control, and how can you overcome whatever you’re going through if you can’t even stop yourself from watching porn. The guilt rolls in, you blame yourself.

In scenario B, you’ve broken out of a relationship and it sucks. You feel like the whole world has turned upside down and that your heart has been shattered into the wind. You feel vulnerable. You look at yourself and ask what’s wrong with me? Maybe you’re lacking something that he/she wanted. Millions of thoughts running through your mind and all you want is to drown them out but how and what’s going to take away the bitterness. Whatever you do only makes you feel much worse. You feel as if nothing can take away the pain. You’ve lost faith in yourself and the world but maybe, you’re the problem. You exposed yourself only to be rejected. The guilt rolls in, you blame yourself.

What’s going on here?

If you look at both of these scenarios, these individuals are in two different situations; however, both of them are experiencing negative emotions. Both of these are searching for a way to get rid of the negativity only to find themselves back to square one and they blame themselves for not being able to move past whatever they are going through. Though these situations are different, you’ll see that both of these individuals are processing almost the same thoughts which begin with “I’m the problem. Maybe I’m not good enough.” Both of them are feeling shame and it starts with self-blame before escalating to relating their negative thoughts to their identity. I must be this type of person because of this…

They are both trapped in a shame cycle, unknowingly adding more negativity on top of the other by fighting negativity with more negativity which makes more negativity.

Both of them are still not addressing the problem that got them there in the first place.

Steps to breaking out of the shame cycle

Step 1: awareness and acceptance.

Take a moment and listen to yourself. Stop running. Recognize that whatever you are doing in that situation is not making you feel any better. Don’t try to convince yourself that you don’t care because you do, and that’s the reason why you feel worse about yourself. Accept that you are in a negative situation.

Step 2: recognize your thoughts and emotions.

Take a deep breath, take a pen and paper and write down whatever you’re feeling. Set 10 minutes without any disturbances and write what you feel and what happened for you to feel that way. Be honest with yourself and go straight to the point. Don’t be poetic.

Step 3: recognize your body’s urges.

This step is very crucial because it enables you to understand your body’s reaction to the negativity. Get a pen and paper and describe exactly what you are feeling physically without many adjectives. Don’t say I feel like I’m drowning in a never ending well with slippery walls. I can see the light above, but I can’t reach it. Don’t be poetic, go straight to the point. Here’s an example from my diary:

“I feel tensed. My heart is beating fast and skipping beats.

I feel short breathed and my chest is tight.

My appetite is gone even though I feel hungry.

I feel restless.”

Now this may differ from individuals but it’s important to note because these are the signs of your reaction to negativity even if you’re not aware of it.

Step 4: self-forgiveness.

This is the most important step which I saved last, Self-forgiveness. Don’t be hard on yourself and don’t hate yourself. It’s okay. You felt that way and you did something, that’s okay. You’re human, and like all humans with a warm soul, we react to situations from pain to joy.  Self-blame and guilt comes when you don’t forgive yourself for being in that situation and feeling the way you are feeling.

Self-forgiveness, even though it’s the last of these steps, is actually the first step to overcoming negative emotions. Self-forgiveness is recognizing the strength within you to move on and fight. It’s the mirror or reflection about the good parts about yourself that you couldn’t see because of the negativity you are feeling. Self-forgiveness is the reflection of faith and hope.

Before I wish you a happy week, remember that this blog is dedicated to helping you understand yourself better and why you feel the negativity. It’s designed to change your mindset towards negativity and allow you to think positively about negative emotions. Be sure to join me on my next topic, Confrontation.

 Stay safe and always remember that you are appreciated. kudos 🌟

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